Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
You Might Also Like
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Pretty much. 🤣
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Nomnomnomnom
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
ouch
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.