Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
You Might Also Like
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life