My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
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bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono