Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.