[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
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#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂