Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
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The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?