For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
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I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
🤣😈🤣
This is not me but this is me
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.