I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
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The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Breaking news:
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came