First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
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If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
My birthstone is kidney
I didn’t realize that was an option
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids