ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
You Might Also Like
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.