my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
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Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Dune (2021)
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs