That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
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Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
hackers play passwordle
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
*3.5 thank you very much.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Happy thanksgiving!
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos