“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
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Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.