If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
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*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
some things should go without saying
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.