Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
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Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.