millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
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If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real