daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
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Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”