When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
You Might Also Like
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal