Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too