WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
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accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi