I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
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I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
consequences, the bane of my existence
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”