Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
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Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
same bro
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Sooo many times…..
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”