Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
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Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
What about a To-Don’t List?
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean