Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
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Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Me after 1 airport cocktail: