“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
You Might Also Like
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context