You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
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I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Banking tips
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch