Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
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“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
It be like that sometimes 😆
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.