“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
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Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Big Sex has us all fooled
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
me: my friends:
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.