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Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
the answer was staring at me all along
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on