i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
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I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall