[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
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A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.