olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
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I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Mission: Impossible
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.