Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
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[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
lmao
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I can’t wait!