Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
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Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Every house has this drawer
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Never forget.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air