Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
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The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No