#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
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They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.