A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
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I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
best review i’ve ever seen
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way