[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
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Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN