My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
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Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Catercrombie & Fish
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.