“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
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Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
I can fix him.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
#SaturdayBears
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”