*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
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Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!