“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
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Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?