Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
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My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
me linking you to my twitter
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Super Hand Dog Face
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.