1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
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Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…