If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
You Might Also Like
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.