Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
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Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
birds and squirrels envy us
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.