I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
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Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no