people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
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Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
For the baby who has everything
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.