When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
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I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…