Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
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Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
She: I like Cats
He:
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
The legends speak of a third Duran…
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt